When your partner has a cast fetish

First things first: there is nothing wrong with your partner

The fact that your partner told you is bigger than it might seem. Most people with a cast fetish have carried that secret since childhood, usually with a good dose of shame attached. Confiding in you was probably terrifying; plenty of people keep it to themselves their entire lives. So see the confession for what it really is: a sign of trust. Your partner does not want to keep secrets from you.

And to take away the biggest worry straight away: a cast fetish is harmless. It is a variation in what people find comforting and exciting, just as some people are into uniforms or leather. It says nothing about your partner's mental health, and it certainly does not mean something is wrong with your relationship.

What it does mean, and what it does not

• It is not a choice. A fetish usually forms in childhood and stays. Your partner did not pick this and cannot switch it off. Asking them to "just stop" will not work, however understandable the wish.
• It is not about you. The fetish existed long before the two of you met. It does not mean your partner finds you unattractive, and you do not have to compete with it.
• In practice it is very innocent. What it comes down to: plaster bandage, padding, care and attention. There is no pain and no risk, as long as the safety rules are followed.
• Ignoring it will not make it go away. Suppressing a fetish mostly leads to distance and secrecy. Finding a place for it together, however small, almost always works better.

You do not have to feel it yourself to join in

This may be the most important thing we can tell you: the vast majority of partners feel nothing at all when they look at a cast. And yet many of them take part, simply because it can be fun together. Wrapping is a calm, almost meditative skill you can learn in an evening. Some compare it to cooking together; others mostly enjoy the caring role, having someone who genuinely has to lean on you for a while.

There are also partners who prefer to stay on the sidelines, and that is fine too. Some couples agree that one of them spends the occasional day or weekend in a cast while the other simply gets on with their own things. The fetish does not have to become a shared hobby; it just needs permission to exist somewhere.

How to start the conversation

• Ask what it actually involves. For one person it is about wearing, for another about seeing, applying or caring. You only know what you are talking about once your partner has been able to explain it.
• Ask about the desire, not just the behaviour. "What would you love most?" leads to a more honest conversation than "what have you already done?".
• Be honest about your own feelings. Do you find it exciting, odd, a little scary? Just say so. Your partner has had years of practice keeping this quiet; you are allowed to get used to it out loud.
• Take your time. This does not have to be settled in one conversation. Agreeing to come back to it next week is a perfectly good outcome.

Setting boundaries is allowed, and it works

Joining in is not an all-or-nothing choice. Maybe an arm cast for an evening is fine, but a whole weekend is not for you. Maybe you are happy to do the wrapping, but the rest does not feel like yours. Say so. Couples who handle this well almost always have one thing in common: both know where the line is, and the line is respected. A fetish does not entitle your partner to everything, and your boundaries do not make you a spoilsport.

More questions? The FAQ also has an answer for partners, and on the forum you can read along anonymously or ask your own question. You do not have to figure this out on your own.